On a whim, I selected a book. Mostly out of boredom, but partially out of curiosity, the ease of ordering on Amazon and something a close friend of mine said that didn’t sit quite right:
Am I being emotionally abused?
The suggestion on its own seems absurd. He loves me, he says so emphatically, he clings to me and keeps me close.
But usually, this only happens when I’m angry and about to walk out of the door.
Clearly that means he cares a lot, right?
Wait, rewind. Is that love? No, it’s fucking not.
Someone who loves you would respect your decision to walk away, say they love you during the good moments and the bad, and hold you close instead of keeping you close.
Well, fuck. What does that mean for me then?
Finding out you’re a narcissist’s toy
Aunt Alex’s Army, although highly recommended, has a lot to answer for. How was I to know that someone who professes to love me pulled the wool over my eyes for two years?
1. Healthy relationships don’t cause anxiety attacks.
2. You start to feel insane from all the mixed messages, confusion and emotional turmoil.
3. You’re being told you’re the one with the problem.
A normal, respectful and human person would reassure you against these things, not convince you of them. But the problem is:
4. He lacks any kind of empathy.
5. He lies as easily as he breathes.
6. He takes advantage of people with emotional generosity.
7. He promises, gets what he needs, and then forgets everything.
8. He lies, and then lies about lying.
9. He says bizarre and completely irrational things in an attempt to self-justify.
10. There is something vaguely empty and unreliable about him.
That’s not all. Brace yourself, there’s more.
11. With this guy, it’s all about him.
12. He takes what he wants without remorse.
13. He likes to be kept busy so he doesn’t think or feel.
14. He grows bored very quickly.
15. His mood swings are frequent and frustratingly irrational.
16. He’s desperate for attention.
17. He expects you to read his mind.
18. He’s ridiculously defensive.
19. His go-to behaviour is passive-aggressive, to hurt others in a sneaky way that an he played down as a mistake or an over reaction.
This one is very important to realise so that you can, hopefully, eventually disentangle yourself:
20. He will try to control everything.
21. He hates boundaries.
22. He has no true sense of intimacy.
23. Digs, insults disguised as jokes, random outbursts of personal and nasty comments, putting you down in front of others yet boosting you up when you’re alone, silent treatment, bullying, let-downs, shallowness, chameleon personality, projecting, two-faced shitty behaviour…
If any of this sounds familiar, I know how you feel.
My jaw dropped. I felt sick to my stomach. I turned each page of this eye-opening, eye-watering book with avid and terrified attention. Then I got out my pen and underlined it as I read it again. I couldn’t believe what I had let myself go through, and for each point I underlined, I shed a lot of tears.
I’m still shedding these tears, because the more I realise, the more it hurts. I was just a pawn in the narcissist’s quest for self-esteem. A stupid, naive, trusting idiot. A fucking fool. A joke. A wind-up doll. The narcissist’s toy. And each time I go back, with hope he’s not really that person, with a kind word, a hint of guilt at leaving him, the click of a button, I’m playing right into his hands.
I know this. It’s just I’m not strong enough on some days to resist. I need help.
If any of this sounds familiar, stick with me.
I feel like I’m fighting a battle I’m too weak to handle. I feel so bitterly alone. See, he charmed the pants off everyone around me and I have no doubt that because I had the strength to finally leave him and call him out for his shit, my name is mud. Everywhere.
But if someone, anyone out there comes with me on this journey, I’ll feel stronger. If anyone has even a hint of understanding, I’ll feel a bit better. Because right now all I feel is ashamed, weary and very, very sad.
This is stage one; the realisation.
Confessions of a Narcissist's Toy 